Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.

My bold New Year’s resolutions – late, as usual | Whale

I was born late — exactly three weeks — despite my mother’s earnest efforts to speed the process along with various over-the-counter elixirs.

I don’t rightly recall exactly what I was thinking back then, of course, but if a guess had to be made, I’d say it probably had something to do with what I was hearing from other babies-to-be via www.interwomb.com. That is, a lot of excited cooing and burbling and babbling about being ready “to go to the light.”

I wasn’t buying it. Until the day came when I, too, was “pushed naked into this assignment.”

As my friends and family know too well, I’ve never shed this tardy habit. I am still late to just about everything.

And the other day it hit me — I was late again. There I was, weeks into the New Year, and I’d yet to make a single resolution. The clock is running, best get cracking.

So, here they are, in no particular order, my most heartfelt resolutions for 2022.

For starters, I resolve to overcome my tardy habit by arriving 72 hours early for all appointments, get-togethers and interviews. Now, I recognize that showing up on someone’s doorstep three days ahead of time and refusing to go away before the agreed-upon day and hour arrives could lead to some awkward situations. But in the interest of my future, super-de-duper punctuality, I’m sure the risk of being forcibly removed will be worth the trouble.

Next, I resolve to lower the height of my forehead, which photos reveal has shot upward like Honest Abe’s stovepipe hat in step with the retreating tide of my hairline. See, I do not share the “got-a-lemon-make-lemonade” mindset that the great Seattle band, Uncle Bonsai, celebrated in the 1980s in their paean to male-pattern baldness: “You’re not losing hair, you’re gaining face!”

Next, I resolve to get to the bottom of the mystery that has vexed me for years. That is, when people report having seen ghosts, why do the spirits they describe so often manifest in clothes? And if they are clad, where did the dearly departed acquire their spectral duds? Could there be a garment district in the Great Beyond? Puzzling this out has cost me too much sleep over the years, and I need closure.

Moving on, I resolve to keep at least 75 feet away from my friends at gatherings, as they have implored me to do. I’ve never known how to read that. I mean, wouldn’t that take me out of just about any room altogether? Wouldn’t it be extremely difficult for them to hear me from the street? Doesn’t make sense, but I’ll do it for my pals.

Up next, gotta get on that weird dude for the sake of the entire household to remove the chunk of Limburger cheese — my dad called it “feet cheese” for obvious reasons — from whatever hidey-hole we all know he stowed it in during his visit three weeks ago.

And for my final resolution, I hereby resolve I will find a method for manufacturing reverse elevator shoes for the chronologically, but unhappily, tall. I’m sure there’s a killing to be made in that hitherto untapped demographic.

So, what do you think? Did I set my sights too low? I’d like to hear what you think.

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.


Talk to us

Please share your story tips by emailing editor@kentreporter.com.

To share your opinion for publication, submit a letter through our website https://www.kentreporter.com/submit-letter/. Include your name, address and daytime phone number. (We’ll only publish your name and hometown.) Please keep letters to 300 words or less.

More in Opinion

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He is a former president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. Contact thebrunells@msn.com.
Skilled worker shortage could derail electrification goals | Brunell

In the race to “electrify everything,” there are glitches that may derail… Continue reading

Hayley Richbart
Washington needs a pragmatic approach for helping asylum seekers | Guest column

By Hayley Richbart, asylum case manager, Jewish Family Services in Kent

Email editor@kentreporter.com
For every vote to count, Kent needs district-based elections | Guest column

By Mónica Mendoza-Castrejón Guest Column If you’re a community member here in… Continue reading

Keith Livingston is a retired municipal management professional, lifelong artist and Federal Way resident. He can be reached at keithlivingstondesign@gmail.com.
Homeowner’s behavior toward waste worker is pure garbage | Livingston

I recently witnessed an interaction between a homeowner trying to deal with… Continue reading

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He is a former president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. Contact thebrunells@msn.com.
America needs ‘all of the above’ energy approach | Brunell

In 2023, one of the most significant shifts America needs is to… Continue reading

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Welcome to the big show, Dori | Shiers

From cartoonist Frank Shiers: You probably know that I worked at KIRO… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.
‘I must have driven through a barn’ and other stories of grace | Whale’s Tales

My brother, Jack, and I were jabbering on Christmas Eve about all… Continue reading

Keith Livingston is a retired municipal management professional, lifelong artist and Federal Way resident. He can be reached at keithlivingstondesign@gmail.com.
Let’s say our 8 billionth person was born in South King County | Livingston

The United Nations announced Nov. 8 that the world had just welcomed… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.
When old age asks the new year for a dance | Whale’s Tales

One of the important lessons the dawning of each new year has… Continue reading

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He is a former president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. Contact thebrunells@msn.com.
Wreaths honor veterans at cemeteries across America | Brunell

The holiday season is an especially difficult time for anyone grieving lost… Continue reading