Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.

My bold New Year’s resolutions – late, as usual | Whale

I was born late — exactly three weeks — despite my mother’s earnest efforts to speed the process along with various over-the-counter elixirs.

I don’t rightly recall exactly what I was thinking back then, of course, but if a guess had to be made, I’d say it probably had something to do with what I was hearing from other babies-to-be via www.interwomb.com. That is, a lot of excited cooing and burbling and babbling about being ready “to go to the light.”

I wasn’t buying it. Until the day came when I, too, was “pushed naked into this assignment.”

As my friends and family know too well, I’ve never shed this tardy habit. I am still late to just about everything.

And the other day it hit me — I was late again. There I was, weeks into the New Year, and I’d yet to make a single resolution. The clock is running, best get cracking.

So, here they are, in no particular order, my most heartfelt resolutions for 2022.

For starters, I resolve to overcome my tardy habit by arriving 72 hours early for all appointments, get-togethers and interviews. Now, I recognize that showing up on someone’s doorstep three days ahead of time and refusing to go away before the agreed-upon day and hour arrives could lead to some awkward situations. But in the interest of my future, super-de-duper punctuality, I’m sure the risk of being forcibly removed will be worth the trouble.

Next, I resolve to lower the height of my forehead, which photos reveal has shot upward like Honest Abe’s stovepipe hat in step with the retreating tide of my hairline. See, I do not share the “got-a-lemon-make-lemonade” mindset that the great Seattle band, Uncle Bonsai, celebrated in the 1980s in their paean to male-pattern baldness: “You’re not losing hair, you’re gaining face!”

Next, I resolve to get to the bottom of the mystery that has vexed me for years. That is, when people report having seen ghosts, why do the spirits they describe so often manifest in clothes? And if they are clad, where did the dearly departed acquire their spectral duds? Could there be a garment district in the Great Beyond? Puzzling this out has cost me too much sleep over the years, and I need closure.

Moving on, I resolve to keep at least 75 feet away from my friends at gatherings, as they have implored me to do. I’ve never known how to read that. I mean, wouldn’t that take me out of just about any room altogether? Wouldn’t it be extremely difficult for them to hear me from the street? Doesn’t make sense, but I’ll do it for my pals.

Up next, gotta get on that weird dude for the sake of the entire household to remove the chunk of Limburger cheese — my dad called it “feet cheese” for obvious reasons — from whatever hidey-hole we all know he stowed it in during his visit three weeks ago.

And for my final resolution, I hereby resolve I will find a method for manufacturing reverse elevator shoes for the chronologically, but unhappily, tall. I’m sure there’s a killing to be made in that hitherto untapped demographic.

So, what do you think? Did I set my sights too low? I’d like to hear what you think.

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.


Talk to us

Please share your story tips by emailing editor@kentreporter.com.

To share your opinion for publication, submit a letter through our website https://www.kentreporter.com/submit-letter/. Include your name, address and daytime phone number. (We’ll only publish your name and hometown.) Please keep letters to 300 words or less.

More in Opinion

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He is a former president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. Contact thebrunells@msn.com.
Thoughts on Memorial Day and the ultimate sacrifice | Brunell

On Memorial Day, we traditionally honor Americans in our military who gave… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
In search of fairness, morals and good sportsmanship | Whale’s Tales

Ah, the Golden Rule. We all know it: do unto others as… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
If you’re right, and you know it, then read this | Whale’s Tales

As the poet Theodore Roethke once wrote: “In a dark time the eye begins to see…”

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
The key thing is what we do with our imperfections | Whale’s Tales

I have said and done many things of which I am not proud. That is, I am no golden bird cheeping about human frailties from some high branch of superhuman understanding.

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@soundpublishing.com.
Grappling with the finality of an oncologist’s statement | Whale’s Tales

Perhaps my brain injected a bit of humor to cover the shock. But I felt the gut punch.

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Legislature back in session next week | Cartoon

State lawmakers return Jan. 8 to Olympia.

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Santa doesn’t drive a Kia | Cartoon

Cartoon by Frank Shiers.

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Salute to veterans | Cartoon by Frank Shiers

On Veterans Day, honor those who served your country.

File photo
Why you should vote in the upcoming election | Guest column

When I ask my students when the next election is, frequently they will say “November 2024” or whichever presidential year is coming up next.

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.
Here’s a column for anyone who loves their dog | Whale’s Tales

It is plain to me in looking at dogs small and large that a decent share of them are exemplars of love on Earth, innocents who love unconditionally and love their chow.

Robert Whale can be reached at rwhale@soundpublishing.com.
Please protect your children from BS spreaders | Whale’s Tales

Among the most useful things I studied in college were debate, and… Continue reading