Valerie Bertinelli recently graced the cover of AARP magazine. This fact alone has made me finally realize something that I hate talking or writing about. The fact that I am (gasp) getting old. Valerie Bertinelli is turning 50, and I can’t get my head around that. She was one of the “it” girls when I was just a teenager, cute as a button, and like the girl next door. She was every boy’s dream, and now she is on the cover of AARP, a magazine devoted to retired people. This by default makes me old.
This getting older thing sneaks up on you in stages. A few years ago I discovered a gray hair. I always had dark hair so I assumed that this one was just blond. After taking its life I found another two days later. And a few days later there were a few more. And they weren’t blond, they were gray. I also found a gray patch of hairs on my chin after not shaving for four or five days.
Now all the hottest girls of my generation are doing commercials not for bikini waxes, but calcium supplements and better colon health. It kills me to see Sally Field talking about calcium, like she is going to break a hip any moment. Jaime Lee Curtis is doing commercials for yogurt that helps with digestive problems. She’s gorgeous, but no yogurt, unless it’s fortified with Scotch, is ever going to touch these lips.
There are more signs that I am aging every day. I was recently listening to an oldies station when Van Halen’s ”Jump” came on the radio. This can’t be an oldie, I thought as I nearly sideswiped a van. I was just (wait a second while I do the math; 1984 plus 2010 minus the cosign, carry the four equals 26 years ago) 19 years old then. I was a mere child, waiting for my next beer, or something to smoke. I can picture it now in 20 years, waiting in a doctor’s office, tapping my foot to the Boz Scaggs “Lido Shuffle” while little children look at me like I am E.T.
I can fight this. I am not getting older. I am 44 years old, in pretty good heath and am trying to get some more education. I will continue to age gracefully, and embrace the fact that my poster girls of my youth will always remain young in my heart. But if Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke) ever shows up peddling mobility scooters, call me an ambulance right away. And have the calcium supplements standing by.
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